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In order to maintain your affection, I need to get better. If I stay the way I am, you will turn away from me for your own protection so if I want to keep you near me I need to get better. I want you to stay. But it's hard to want to get better when my face crumbles away on the inside and when there are moments where all I can do is holding the tiny shards of myself together, barely. I want you close and I want you in my life. The only reason I don't do what I'd like to do is that I know that it will hurt you and then you will turn away from me. Today I can't find a way out of my head. I know I need to get better. I say I need to because I'm not supposed to say I must and I can't say I want to. I know this too shall pass and that there are always good moments and minutes and hours and days but when it hits it feels so infinite. I'm pouring my heart out to the interwebs because I can't tell anyone else, literally. I know you won't read this and no one else of importance will but someone here might read it and that means these words and thoughts exist outside of my head and are manifested somewhere, even if they're only written down digitally while listening to the same song over and over and over. Thank you for watching over me. Thank you for sharing your warmth and wisdom with me. Thank you for bearing with me. Thank you for being totally unaware of these thoughts. Thinking that one day I'll be able to articulate all of the good things (not this confused bullcrap but the positive feelings) and share them with you makes me feel a little better. I will write down what I feel on little notes and in our yearbook and on walls and trees and in the sky and the streets with my feet and the chilly air with my breath and you will see and you will know, like you always do. And you will shake your head and smile and the bad things will sleep for a while.

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